Police commit 15% of all the murders in Rio de Janeiro

I am not going to be moving to Rio, but Brazil is Brazil its one country. Rio police kill and arrest 1 in 23, in Sao Paulo its 1 in 343 and in the US its 1 in around 37,000. 37,000!! The difference is staggering, what happened to protect and serve Rio? How can you live somewhere where you can't trust the police?

Gas and Acid Relux

I am not getting any real sleep these days. She (my baby) has been waking up a lot. For a few nights in a row she will sleep 6 hours straight But then their will be days when she wakes up every 3 hours or even 2.5 even now at 4 months.

I like a lot of sleep. In fact I will admit I love bed. I love sheets, down comforters, I like dreaming, I like watching TV, and hanging out all in my bed. I have always loved laying in bed and sleeping, and since my mother has lived with me for the last 5 years I keep to my room more. I just don't want to run into her in the kitchen. She took over my house (that is for another post).

So anyway. Sometimes my baby has problems with gas. First off babies have an immature digestive system when born. It takes quite a while for it to mature. In the meantime they can freak out when they take a crap, or have gas. I am assuming its painful and scary for them. So when my baby is having a bad day with gas it wakes her up out of her sleep.

Then their was a time in the beginning when my baby was screaming so much that I took her to the emergency room on more than one occasion. Pediatricians don't like that (usually). But my pediatrician had told me if she cries more than 3 hours off and on or straight take her. So I did. I guess they may not like it because they want you to call them first and have them make a decision. But I made the decision. Like I always say "are you paying my bills?" I mean she is my baby her life is in my hands she can't tell me what is wrong with her. I am not taking any chances with my first and maybe my only child. If the pediatricians don't like it they can lump it. The other rule is if she refuses to eat or if her temperature reaches 104 take her. So I took a lot of temperatures.

So I was frantic looking up on line what she could be crying for. I thought she was fed sufficiently. So now what? They talked a lot about gas and acid reflux which is called gastroesophageal reflux. So I started to think she had acid reflux. Her symptoms seemed to match. Constant crying, hiccups, and my husband said he smelt acid on her breathe. And since we thought she was fully fed we started to believe more and more it was acid reflux. I have since switched pediatricians mainly because the original doctor did somethings to piss me off. Like first off acting like her head was up her ass or more like in the clouds. Plus I didn't like the attitude of her team. It was a group of doctors and the woman in charge of insurance was a bitch. My new doctor told me she wants me to call her first BEFORE going to the emergency room again, F off Doc! Maybe I will maybe I won't depends!

I sought out a specialist at children's hospital in Boston one the best in the world. The doctor who was a pediatric gastroenterologist asked what symptoms she was having and gave me a prescription for Prilosec. Now Prilosec is a acid blocker. It stops acid production in the stomach. I was not happy with giving my 1.5 month old this medicine. I mean she is just too young. I had been giving this type of medicine myself years ago but stopped taking it when I read the side effects. But I didn't want her in pain either. And since they don't usually just test for acid reflux on newborns only as a last resort its easier to just assume she has it.

In the meantime at home. I had been having a scary time breastfeeding. It was hell honestly. Harder than pregnancy harder than my c-section. So what I didn't realize then was their was a chance that she was not getting enough food because she had not learned how to properly breastfeed she was not efficient at sucking out the milk yet. My pediatician never mentioned that she may not know how to feed properly and I had been told by my lactation consultants who I met at the hospital and was seeing once week at a group meeting on how to breastfeed not to supplement with formula Why? Because it decreases the babies demand for your milk which decreases milk production. First because you need your body to make enough milk for the baby. And second because your trying to get a rhythm going with breastfeeding. Your body over time regulates itself producing enough milk based on your babies demand. Some women have to stop because they don't breastfeed right and don't make enough milk, its a lot of work. I recommend buying a breast-pump a good one. To keep up milk production.

So I sent in the prilosec prescription to get it filled. Then suddenly my baby had a couple of good days with no crying. So my husband and I wondered if it was acid reflux that was making her cry after all. So I waited a few more days and I breastfeed a lot and my baby stopped crying. And to my horror we both realized it wasn't acid reflux MY BABY WAS HUNGRY!!! She had gotten better at feeding and was now getting enough. See I missed it I thought she was fed. I thought she had had enough so I assumed it was something else. Looking back maybe I should have supplemented like my sister and my cousin did but I was following the rules of my lactation consultants. Now I feel guilty. BUT I now exclusively breast feed and we are at 4 months and a lot of women give up and give formula because the baby keeps crying. I feel like I accomplished something. So in the end it might have worked out in my favor. I want to breast feed till she is at least 1 year old. I want to sacrifice for her even though their are times when it gets hard. Especially when I want caffeine or to take a xanax (like right now) LOL.

The moral of this story, feed first! If the baby keeps crying keep feeding even if your tits are ready to fall off! You can't gauge how much the baby has eaten with breastfeeding you don't see the ounces. You don't know. And formula is thicker and satisfies the baby for longer periods of time. Its easier to see results. Breast-milk is thinner and digests faster. So keep feeding then and only then can you look for another problem

Bad Days more and more

Today was a bad day. My car insurance was cancelled for non payment. I didn't pay simply because I forgot, not because I didn't have the money which is worse. I got into a huge fight with my mother who moved back in recently (another post for another day). I called her a "douche" and told her to "get out"(of my house). Seems harsh, and disrespectful doesn't it? But she deserved it she is a douche to me, and now she is trying to make up with me but its almost too late for me, I can only be broken so many times. The scar that keeps healing gets harder, harder each time, just a fragment of a memory of what it was before. Sometimes that is how I feel like a shell of a human being that has been gutted and now lies empty hollow. I cried for over 2 hours. All this and feeling guilty because my baby can sense my stress, she can tell when I am hurt and her stress comes out when she aggressively gnaws her fist or cries at my breast. All I keep thinking is you don't want to do this to her. You promised yourself you would give her the mother daughter relationship you never had. The family you never had. That you would not allow her to feel any tension. She needs to be happy she is a baby. I need her to grow to be strong and self-confident not insecure second guessing herself. When you are young you need love, consistency, and security otherwise you end up like me. Not trusting anyone.

I keep thinking how am I going to drive her around without any insurance? They want $858.00 to reinstate. Which I will die before I pay. And what is the point of getting new insurance and paying half when I am supposed to be leaving in 2 months? (I am waiting for my permanent visa to come in). And I worry something will go wrong with that. And I worry that I will hate Brazil. And I worry that my daughter will end up more Brazilian and the American in her will be lost. I worry that since right now my move to Brazil is permanent that I might die there, and I don't want to die there. I worry that we won't make as much money as we planned and I won't be able to travel back and forth. I worry that my mother could die when I am gone and nothing will have been resolved, and her hardly seeing the baby. I worry that things can't be resolved. I worry about what will happen to my sisters and I's relationship we are 4 years apart, we used to be close we both have young children, and things have been rocky lately (its the family legacy). Its hard moving away from your family when things aren't going good. I mean what about my daughters American family? And me being the sensitive one its seems I care more than anyone else does. I mean people are so busy they forget what is important in life. Move too fast, don't stop and remember, or take the time to feel something.

The truth is that now at my most vulnerable moving to a foreign country filled with unknowns and an infant I love more than anything. Not ever having been there before. I feel I need my family more than ever. An anchor. People that care that will be there for me when I need them. So that my daughter can learn the United States as much as she is learning Brazil. Maybe even go to school for year here. I just feel very lonely. My heart is broken. People always say "there are others that are worse off than you" and I say "yes that's true but we are all human beings and what we feel is real and that should not be minimized because we may be better off than others". This is the human condition. I am not feeling sorry for myself I am a very strong person too strong, and I usually suffer in silence. But you do need people you need your family. But since my family has been splintered in a million pieces since my childhood, how do I fix that in 2 months? The idea of a family I once loved just never materialized. And now I have started a new one without mending the old one.

The closer I get to moving the more American I become

I am going go ahead and be brutally honest. There is a huge part of me that does not want to move to Brazil. My stories are not all sunshine, and bubble gum. My husband knows this. I am honest. I tell him how I really feel. I try to be brave and say I want to get out of my comfort zone explore the world meet new people etc, etc. BUT ........ then their is a part (big part) of me that wants nothing to do with it. Call me spoiled maybe I am. But I don't want to pay R2000 for a good Iphone, or be taxed to the hilt to have things shipped from America that will make my transition easier. I want choices and let me stress CHOICES. The US is on sterioids consumer wise it may be overwhelming at times but that is the way I like it I'm an American! You can find anything and everything. Anything I have ever thought of. I love how everything is convenient and on the Internet.  How I can find it just by typing some key words. I like the way things are run here how people are afraid of the cops, how people follow traffic laws, how in my state pedestrians have the right of way, how people actually stop their cars to let you cross the street, how you can open a bank account in one day, how you can get a credit card easy. I like how everyone is afraid of getting sued in the US so it keeps them in LINE, I like how people in the US are direct and answer questions matter of factly and usually honest (in my experiences), I like the efficiency here, the nicely paved roads, libraries, museums, and all the technology. I like cheap goods, I like cheap electronics, I like the cheaper gas we somehow provide, I like SUV's, I like buying on the internet and having it delivered with no tax or 6.25%, I like blockbuster 3d movies in stereoscopic sound that sounds like a jet engine taking off at 3 floor movie plexes, I like candy that stains your mouth different colours like purple licorice, gummy bears, and any kind of gummy really, I like the great public schools we have that actually receive the funding they are suppose to get, I like how you are required by law to have car insurance so I can get paid if you hit me, I like that the majority of cops are not corrupt over here because they may actually lose their jobs, that if I call them they will actually come to my house and do an investigation. I like qualities like honour, dignity and pride. I like phrases such as "Doing the right thing". I don't see why I have to sacrifice when it seems I was lucky enough to be born in the states.

Don't get me wrong my set of circumstances is unique most of my American friends did not marry foreigners they married Americans. If we stayed here which we have discussed the "the pros and cons" (and their are some major cons, some I won't get into right now). I have a new baby and would probably have to go back to work. So first find a job, then put my baby in day care (don't want to). UGGGG sometimes I feel like my life would be so much easier if I wasn't married to a foreigner and the blatant differences that surface after you have been together a while. Yes this thought has crossed my mind. I do have some old generalizations about Brazil and South America that just can't seem to die. Your saying why didn't I think of this before I married him? Well.....you see I fell madly in love, I jumped feet first. I met someone who treats me better than any Amercian I have ever met. He is nothing like the stereotypical South American man he is enlightened, respectful, good hearted, so good at treating me like an equal. And there was that other thing, the thing that really made me fall, besides his heart that is sitting in my hand. He was ALWAYS there for me like no one else not even my parents, he is truly my best friend.

So you see my dilemma. I am like everyone else I want my cake and eat it to and anyone who says they don't is a liar. Even though he will have a his own business down there, and we have our own house -a cute house to. All newly renovated, and I won't have to work. There are the other things about Brazil that I have to contend with. That well I just don't like. For example the health care system down there, I am totally obsessive about health care who is giving it and how good it is, and most importantly how STERILE it is. I do my own research and I question my doctors and I expect an answer after all I am helping pay their bills they are there to provide me with a service. I also believe they are there to provide me with the latest, greatest, cutting edge, medical care (I think you get my meaning). My mother always said its easier to move from Brazil to the US, but the US to Brazil????? That is another thing entirely. And I used to get offended when she said that but now I see their is truth to what she says. Love is love yes, and your not suppose to mix practicalities with love, but as love goes on, you can't help it. The initial high of laying in bed and fucking all day wears off and then you start to think about what is good for you and your family.  Things that were not as important before no are BRAZENLY important. And if its based on love its suppose to conquer all right?

Then their is also the fact he misses his family its been 12 years since he has seen them, and he says I'm costing him money by draggin out our stay in the US money that he would have made in Brazil if he were there. Another thing I feel guilty for. I don't want to cause regret the "what if" it had worked out down there. I mean its not as if we going to be slumming it his brothers are already buying land and building condos and selling them. Sounds good right? Ya if it was any other country but Brazil for example Australia, France, Sweden or Germany. Countries that are in the 1st world category already. I know, I know they say Brazil is emerging but I don't want to hang out while it emerges. And its going to take a long time at least 20 years before you actually see it in the streets. Rome wasn't built in a day and their is only so much fresh coconut juice can do to keep me intrigued, I need more. Sorry I know what it sounds like but I am being honest. I always tell my husband you have to be rich to live good in Brazil (so you better end up rich :)), its a rich person's country, if you are lower class forget it I mean we are talking about the land of Toyota's that cost R100 to R150,000?????????? I know they are trying to protect their economy by making imports hard to sell but COME ON! Coming from the US putting up with the rules in Brazil frankly is like taking a bullet.

I know life is not about material possessions, its about quality. But you can have quality if the basic necessities are out of reach or jacked up.  One I hope positive thing is that we live near Paraguay which has famous shopping centers.  Where you can get everything cheap and then hope you are not randomly chosen when you drive over the border. That is how R tried to placate me when I was B about the cost of life in Brazil. I mean I want what is best for my daughter, its about her. You want good schools, good playgrounds, good hospitals, her to be able to cross the street without getting run over, and good- no GREAT opportunities.

So this is going to be an on going subject that I talk about for me at least till I move (probably longer).  It may start to irritate you if you read this so sorry but its theraputic. Because its enevitable. I don't want to make him stay even though he would for me, he might end up resenting it, then again so might I. But in the end I could end up with better life in Brazil quality wise and financial wise.

Health benefits of breastfeeding

So today my baby turned 3 months, she has really filled out from our dark days trying to learn how to breastfeed. She constantly holds her hands up in front of her marvelling at the hands that is hers, she just stares, and flail's then around. She's learning that arm/hand is mine and I want to use it! I place objects in front of her and watch her bounce her arms around she misses a lot but as the days go on she is starting to gain more control. The look on her face as she tries with all her mind to touch the object and then her whimpers in frustration are so amazing to watch. I am so happy I don't have to work I could never leave her this small.

She also tries with all her might to communicate with me verbally. As drool oozes out the sides of her mouth onto her chin.  The pediatrician says she is preparing to learn to talk. When she tries to communicate she grunts, makes little laugh screams, oohs and coo's and aaah's. And she laughs out loud to, she is just too adorable for words. She has begun trying to roll over to one side this makes me nervous because I know what's coming. She can't roll completely over yet (thank god) but she is trying with all her might.

I never thought I would be one of those women who wished to stay home with their baby but now that she is here I realize their is NOWHERE I would rather be. Nothing is more fufulling than watching your own daughter grow before your eyes. From a helpless newborn to learning the simplist thing like that she has a hand! LOL. It's cliche I know but its true.

So onto to the topic of breastfeeding, I breastfeed exclusively (although you can supplement with formula, but that can a decrease your milk supply which you can get back (another topic))and in my other post I talk about how hard it was in the beginning for at least 2 months I thought I would give up. But I refused and now I am rewarded with being able to breastfeed my baby with no pain it is so easy now. It is true what they say that if you wait eventually they get it. Eventually they get control over their mouths and just learn how to suck right in any position. I even started doing it laying down. We are pros.

Breastfeeding is the best its so convenient. No boiling nipples, no boiling water for formula, no boiling bottles to clean. All water with newborns must be boiled they say till 3 months but I would do it up to a year especially in Brazil, and that is not meant to be a dig I just believe to be on the safe side wherever you are you must protect your baby. Only because their systems are immature and can't handle bacteria and other things present in tap water. I don't even trust bottled water. Boil, boil, boil to be on the safe side I say. I already heard a story of a newborn that died from being repeatedly given tap water in formula that was not boiled in the US. Be sure to boil for at least 5 minutes.

Here are some of the health benefits of breastfeeding.

1. Breast milk is easier to digest for babies, especially premies. The proteins in formula are from cowsmilk and it takes time for babies stomachs to adjust to digesting them.

2. Breast milk fights disease-The cells, hormones, and antibodies in breast milk protect babies from illness. This protection is unique; formula cannot match the chemical make up of breast milk. In fact, among formula fed babies ear infections, diarrhea are more common. Formula fed babies also have a higher risk of respiratory infections, diabetes, asthma, type 2 diabetes and SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome).

3. Breastfeeding is cheaper than formula.

4. Breastfeeding feels good, physical contact is important for newborns. The need to feel warm and comforted. They are scared in the real cold world outside the womb especially in the beginning (which is why we swaddle). We as mothers benefit from the closeness the bond that is created and so doesn't the baby.

5. Oxytocin ( the love hormone) is a hormone that is released to help with milk flow that makes a mother feel calm, relaxed it help counter post-partum depression (which is probably why I am so happy). I am prone to depression so I believe that one of the reasons I am so well adjusted filled with joy and serenity is because I breastfeed.

6. Breastfeeding is good for our health breastfeeding it linked and shown to lower the risk of ovarian cancer, type 2 diabetes, depression and breast cancer.

7. Breastfeeding protects babies from a contaminated water supply. But remember to boil binkis!

8. Breast milk is the perfect right temperature and helps prevent hypothermia if you ever find yourself displaced or outside with no warm place in sight to go.

9. Breast milk is readily available when other supplies have run out from lets say a disaster such as a hurricane or another natural disaster you always have food for your baby.

Its just such a great thing, I used to be on medication a long time ago before my baby was conceived. And during the pregnancy and the beginning of breastfeeding I struggled with days I wanted to take my medication. I was tempted to go to formula especially during the initial baby blues, and the pain of breastfeeding. But now that I have made it through I never been happier than I am right now. I credit this with breastfeeding. I know it made me love her so much more so much quicker, and I love that I can whip out a boob anywhere and feed her at my convenience. And I dare anyone to make a comment while I am out breastfeeding in public. As long as I am discrete I will breastfeed anywhere I want.

You must make sure to get Vitamin D (a supplement) while breastfeeding. Unless you baby is going to be sitting in the sun all day :).I get drops here in the US. But I am sure they have something in Brazil. I guess Vitamin D is lacking in beast milk and babies need it help facilitate absorption of calcium.

I will write more on breastfeeding and even the breast pump I have. You should get a pump if you are going to breastfeed. IN CASE you can't be with your baby. You can freeze in bags breast milk. Its good for women who work especially but I find I might need it even with being at home. You never know when you will need the supply for any number of reasons.

Nervous about leaving the US

I have not written much but will be writing more about my experiences moving from New England to Southern Brazil. Right now I am still in New England, while my husband is doing his last remodel job before we go to Brazil. I have purchased so much here in the US, clothes, new refrigerator, new stove, new washer/dryer, new TV, and on and on all being shipped in a overpriced cargo bin with lots of insurance (that is a whole other upsetting topic). And I still need to get so much more. All new things for our new house. I feel lucky my husband has his own house and its adorable, we will be gutting and renovating the bathroom and kitchen brand new American style with lots of cabinets and stone covered island with all stainless steel appliances. My husband worked really hard to be able to do this. I will be keeping a video diary of it.

But as great as I hope and believe my life is going to be. Living in a new house my own house, in a great town in Southern Brazil with a good standard of living. We just found a brand new supermarket down the street from his house that is comparable if not even better to the supermarkets in the US the website had photos, I was impressed. But I am still scared as the date moves closer I get more and more anxiety about living in Brazil and learning to deal with the known differences that honestly some of which I will not be able to accept, but I am trying to keep an open mind and not judge after all change helps you to grow. So while I want to embrace the differences and learn the language I am still nervous. Part of me wants to stay even though I am somewhat bored. Right now I live in Massachusetts which is number one in education and health care in the US so as far as raising a child that sounds great. My insurance was great it provided so much for so little at a cost $20.00 per month! I got a 5 day stay in private room, all the free most expensive formula as much as I could carry, a free $350.00 Medula breast pump (the thing is fantastic) and I might get free car seat. I mean where can you get on the best health care systems in the world with all the perks for $20.00 a month? (nowhere). Boston is renowned for some of the best hospitals in the world. Things like this make me have reservations about moving to Brazil. Even though I will have private health care down there not sure if I want to have another baby down there after what I have heard and how they do things. I do try not to judge but the bar has already been set so high and parts of my personality are TYPE A.

I think its more nerve racking since I have a newborn. She is the light of my life, I wake up with so much joy to see her beautiful face. I have never been so happy. She is the perfect mix of Brazilian and American. I look forward to the future with her. She already has golden coloured skin. I can't wait till her hair grows in I hope its thick and curly like mine and my husbands.

Don't get me wrong she will be filled with America I am very patriotic well lets just say it a different way although the US has a lot to make better I like the way things are done in the US, and I plan on supplementing her schooling with my own home schooling for her (the American side of her eduction)--very important to me. And she will see snow and fall in it, lay in it, make snowmen, and learn to snowboard, look at all the amazing Christmas lights, smell pine trees, smell winter, taste the crisp air, all the things I love about New England and want her to experience. I am giving that part up. Hopefully for the better but its going to be hard for me.

I will write more about it as my nerves compel me to, its cathartic and maybe I can work through this time by writing and flushing out my fears and looking them square in the face.

OOPs babies crying!

BREASTFEEDING HELL

SEE VIDEO AT BOTTOM OF THE LATCH MONSTER

When I began breastfeeding my daughter did not want to learn.  She simply did not want to breastfeed she would scream and go off for a long time.  She was smart she knew breast feeding was work and didn't want to participate right out of the gate.    But I never gave up and I didn't let her give up.

Ahh breast feeding they show you this beautiful picture of happy baby cooing into its mother eyes such a bonding moment. And you say to yourself I am going to breastfeed its the best you can give your baby, breast-milk is natures perfect cocktail, its a bonding experience, and it is free. BUT what you don't know is what they don't tell you, and that is the truth of what it is really like to breastfeed. I found out the hard way, the way I usually find out, its the I am shocked had no idea way.

When I was at the hospital pumped up on drugs from my c section waiting for my milk to come in, getting some "liquid gold", (colustrum) at least twice a day a nice older women with a comforting motherly appearance and a nice soft voice would show up and start showing me how to latch my infant and begin breastfeeding.

It started off with my baby fussing at the breast (heck I thought though she is only 2, 3, 4, 5 days old), having a hard time latching. I was set to stay in the hospital for 5 days through Thanksgiving that is what my insurance paid for so I took it, I was sure it would be a breeze by the time I left.

ME--"Is she fussing because my milk hasn't come in?" 

LACTATION CONSULTANT--"That could be part of it but she was not born knowing how to breastfeed babies have to learn to breastfeed" WHAT!!!! BABIES HAVE TO LEARN TO BREASTFEED HOW NAIVE WAS I?

The days went on the latching was painful, the baby was not learning.

LACTATION CONSULTANT--"She is a tuff one"

The drug filled haze went on. They told me that I could come back for a free Monday thru Friday lactation class ever day from 1-2 so not to worry. Don't use binki's, don't use bottles, it could cause nipple confusion (under 4 weeks), breastfeeding takes time, it could take a could month or more before things start to work out. Oh great I thought I have just been cut open like a Thanksgiving turkey and now I have to get into my car when I am not suppose to be driving and drive 30 minutes to a lactation class with my newborn screaming in the back-seat. GREAT! FYI ---Meanwhile other woman are secretly using binki's and bottle's the whole time and I didn't know it. They are weak! I did it cold turkey no help at all. No supplementing and I am proud of it.

At night in the hospital the nurse on duty would come and take her for weight checks and vitals. And at first I didn't want them to take her, but I would come to miss that option when I left the hospital. You see in the hospital you can get some sleep. I should have taken more advantage of that one!  I told the nurses NO BOTTLES.  I would only allow some supplementation from a syringe.  They use syringes because its nothing like a nipple so the baby won't get confused between your soft warm nipple and a rubber cold one.  Secondly the lactations consultants told me that babies who get the bottle early usually prefer it why?  Because its easier the milk comes out faster and they don't have to learn to suck or work for the milk.  That is why they say NO BOTTLES.  Some of nurses looked at me sideways not wanting to step one the toes of the lactation consultants but I could tell they had an opinion about all of it. But I did it because that is what the lactation consultant told me to do and when someone tells me something I try to follow orders/directions like an obsessive soldier.  Let's put it this way picture a pit bull that won't let go its hard to get me off. When I left the hospital all proud and happy I had no idea what I was in for. I thought I had been through the worst. But now the real test of my strength was about to begin for both me and my husband.

Have you ever had a baby latch on wrong and cut your nipples so they are bleeding? The pain is so intense you cant' believe you ever thought pregnancy and the c section were the hard part.

So she was at my breast at 3AM screaming inconsolably, I am nodding off while trying to latch her and re-latch her. Over and over again. The nipples bleeding the Ibuprofen hardly working. I needed something stronger way stronger. I thought I can't go on I thought, this is too hard.

LACTATION CONSULTANT-- "The first 30 to 50 seconds she is on your breast will be the most painful, because that is when the sucking is most vigorous." Vigorous what a nice word for what it really is hundreds of tiny knives slicing through my tender pink nipples at all hours of the sleep deprived night and day. I love it when they tell you that your soft beautiful nipples will harden up and get tough over time. YA that sounds appealing!

Me--"YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW this sucks I want to stop". She is still not latching correctly 3 weeks in.

As the days past it got worse not better, I cried more than ever before. Talk about baby blues this was full on depression. I felt so many emotions, and I was hurting because my baby seemed miserable, her eyes were sad and wet from tears, she was hungry and frustrated, I was hoping it would work out wanting my baby to feel soothed by me not traumatized. Worried she was losing weight. Worried that I would not be able to continue breastfeeding. Wishing I was one of those women in the B*llSh*t commercials.

I dreaded breastfeeding tried avoiding it as long as possible, trying to make her sleep longer feeling guilty knowing she had to eat every 2- 3hrs. I dragged myself out of bed and dragged my tired a** to the private and the not private lactation classes where she always seemed to miraculously do better until we got home. And don't get me started about "cluster feeding" look it up not enough room to discuss here. But that is worse when they don't want to get off your sore red, bleeding, cracked nipples, and every time you stop feeding them hoping they will stay asleep they suddenly AWAKEN and start screaming again for more blood.

My Sister--"I got APNO cream from the pharmacy it was a lifesaver for me use it after every feeding, it works put it on your nipples and leave it" Apno cream I thought I don't want my baby eating cream, but again desperation.

I ran out and got the cream and guess what its $80.00 and ounce!  Invented by a man named Jack Newman (see his website) he is the breastfeeding guru. The pharmacy actually makes it by hand ingredient by ingredient. It seemed to help although although maybe it was a placebo effect with me. I looked up the cream on the Internet checking to see if their was any negative reviews, after all I was paranoid on top of everything else. But the $80.00 an ounce cream didn't work enough to keep me from vacillating back and forth about whether I was going to continue breastfeeding (every feeding I tortured myself with indecision and guilt). The baby needs to feed 8 times minimum in a 24 hours period YOU DO THE MATH. Also you may need to wake them up when you don't want too. And really they need to feed on demand.

LACTATION CONSULTANT-- "Hang in their it will get better" REALLY LIAR WHEN I thought!!! Now I was F PISSED.

But I fought through it like a soldier as bombs went off around me. Let me tell you it wasn't easy. For me breastfeeding is harder than the pregnancy and my c-section COMBINED. But I am a fighter and apparently more stubborn than I realized because I refused to throw in the towel. And my husband experienced the brunt of it. His head was snapped off quite a few times and the profanity was hard to take in the wee early hours.

MY HUSBAND--"Go to the bottle then, you don't have to do this if its this hard".

ME--"Your so insensitive" I snapped. "You don't' understand I want her to breastfeed off me." Tears would start up again as I recapped every sentiment I had ever had. Including my favourite aunt who died 5 years earlier that I felt I didn't pay enough attention to.

I really put him through a lot he is my rock, I love u R.

MY MOTHER--"You need to decide soon whether you are going to continue breastfeeding or not."

ME--"I know as tried to latch her", and gritted my teeth in pain. In fact after a few weeks the pain actually started to feel good why? Because you release opium like endorphins when you are in pain. Its sick really.

There were times I was not so happy with my little beautiful angel let me tell you. She tried my patience, she made me mad.

ME--"Latch Maya Fck goddammit" I would mutter through my teeth. Then I realized she is only 4 weeks old, how can I get mad at her she is learning its not her fault, you can't be like this to your beautiful baby, this time passes quickly and soon you will miss it.

So here I am over a month has gone by and its gotten somewhat better but I have a new problem now to much milk that comes out fast so she still has a tight latch, but that is a whole other set of problems and stories, truthfully it never seems to end. But the nipples are not bleeding anymore. Its still hard, but they keep telling me to stick it out so I will plunder on for a couple more weeks.

The good news is that she is gaining weight and I love her more than ever. I know now I am a lot stronger than I every thought I was, emotionally, and physically especially with pain. Now I watch her suck and my heart melts because I want to do it for her. But I won't feel guilty if I do end up failing love is all that matters.

I hope I can continue on past the hard part and be one of the women in the commercials.

*Update it took me a over two months close to three to get my daughter to successful latch correctly!  

**I used to drip expressed milk onto my real nipple to get her to try to latch. Additionally my daughter did lose weight but I did not give her bottles ever and I think that is why I am still breastfeeding at almost six months.  Don't get me wrong I would have eventually tried some supplementation if she never gained weight but I waited longer than most I fought through.  My sister used to top off each breastfeeding session with an ounce of formula but only at the end of breastfeeding she only did this for the first two weeks to make sure she was gaining weight.  But that can lower you milk supply so you must pump.  

***When you start breastfeeding session get into the right position, calm baby down if baby is excited by sticking your clean finger (pinkie) pad side up in his/her mouth and letting them suck.  Then try to place your breast with expressed milk dripped on top in their mouth.   Try to do it when they are really hungry.  Massage your breast when the mouth is on or near to get more milk to drip out if possible.   Keep trying a few times before you give up even if they are screaming.  My daughter used to scream for 10 to 15 minutes.  You have keep practising.