Bad Days more and more

Today was a bad day. My car insurance was cancelled for non payment. I didn't pay simply because I forgot, not because I didn't have the money which is worse. I got into a huge fight with my mother who moved back in recently (another post for another day). I called her a "douche" and told her to "get out"(of my house). Seems harsh, and disrespectful doesn't it? But she deserved it she is a douche to me, and now she is trying to make up with me but its almost too late for me, I can only be broken so many times. The scar that keeps healing gets harder, harder each time, just a fragment of a memory of what it was before. Sometimes that is how I feel like a shell of a human being that has been gutted and now lies empty hollow. I cried for over 2 hours. All this and feeling guilty because my baby can sense my stress, she can tell when I am hurt and her stress comes out when she aggressively gnaws her fist or cries at my breast. All I keep thinking is you don't want to do this to her. You promised yourself you would give her the mother daughter relationship you never had. The family you never had. That you would not allow her to feel any tension. She needs to be happy she is a baby. I need her to grow to be strong and self-confident not insecure second guessing herself. When you are young you need love, consistency, and security otherwise you end up like me. Not trusting anyone.

I keep thinking how am I going to drive her around without any insurance? They want $858.00 to reinstate. Which I will die before I pay. And what is the point of getting new insurance and paying half when I am supposed to be leaving in 2 months? (I am waiting for my permanent visa to come in). And I worry something will go wrong with that. And I worry that I will hate Brazil. And I worry that my daughter will end up more Brazilian and the American in her will be lost. I worry that since right now my move to Brazil is permanent that I might die there, and I don't want to die there. I worry that we won't make as much money as we planned and I won't be able to travel back and forth. I worry that my mother could die when I am gone and nothing will have been resolved, and her hardly seeing the baby. I worry that things can't be resolved. I worry about what will happen to my sisters and I's relationship we are 4 years apart, we used to be close we both have young children, and things have been rocky lately (its the family legacy). Its hard moving away from your family when things aren't going good. I mean what about my daughters American family? And me being the sensitive one its seems I care more than anyone else does. I mean people are so busy they forget what is important in life. Move too fast, don't stop and remember, or take the time to feel something.

The truth is that now at my most vulnerable moving to a foreign country filled with unknowns and an infant I love more than anything. Not ever having been there before. I feel I need my family more than ever. An anchor. People that care that will be there for me when I need them. So that my daughter can learn the United States as much as she is learning Brazil. Maybe even go to school for year here. I just feel very lonely. My heart is broken. People always say "there are others that are worse off than you" and I say "yes that's true but we are all human beings and what we feel is real and that should not be minimized because we may be better off than others". This is the human condition. I am not feeling sorry for myself I am a very strong person too strong, and I usually suffer in silence. But you do need people you need your family. But since my family has been splintered in a million pieces since my childhood, how do I fix that in 2 months? The idea of a family I once loved just never materialized. And now I have started a new one without mending the old one.