I keep thinking how am I going to drive her around without any insurance? They want $858.00 to reinstate. Which I will die before I pay. And what is the point of getting new insurance and paying half when I am supposed to be leaving in 2 months? (I am waiting for my permanent visa to come in). And I worry something will go wrong with that. And I worry that I will hate Brazil. And I worry that my daughter will end up more Brazilian and the American in her will be lost. I worry that since right now my move to Brazil is permanent that I might die there, and I don't want to die there. I worry that we won't make as much money as we planned and I won't be able to travel back and forth. I worry that my mother could die when I am gone and nothing will have been resolved, and her hardly seeing the baby. I worry that things can't be resolved. I worry about what will happen to my sisters and I's relationship we are 4 years apart, we used to be close we both have young children, and things have been rocky lately (its the family legacy). Its hard moving away from your family when things aren't going good. I mean what about my daughters American family? And me being the sensitive one its seems I care more than anyone else does. I mean people are so busy they forget what is important in life. Move too fast, don't stop and remember, or take the time to feel something.
The truth is that now at my most vulnerable moving to a foreign country filled with unknowns and an infant I love more than anything. Not ever having been there before. I feel I need my family more than ever. An anchor. People that care that will be there for me when I need them. So that my daughter can learn the United States as much as she is learning Brazil. Maybe even go to school for year here. I just feel very lonely. My heart is broken. People always say "there are others that are worse off than you" and I say "yes that's true but we are all human beings and what we feel is real and that should not be minimized because we may be better off than others". This is the human condition. I am not feeling sorry for myself I am a very strong person too strong, and I usually suffer in silence. But you do need people you need your family. But since my family has been splintered in a million pieces since my childhood, how do I fix that in 2 months? The idea of a family I once loved just never materialized. And now I have started a new one without mending the old one.