The Girl and the Syringe

I had an interesting morning.  I went to the neighborhood health clinic.  There was a young girl who had dyed blonde hair tied in a tight ponytail.  She had electric blue eyes and what looked like boils on her face.  I knew immediately she was a meth head and a heroin addict and she was chomping at the bit for a hit.   When the lady called her to the window the girl said trying to muffle her voice "I was told to come here for a syringe".  The lady promptly told her she didn't know what she was talking about, and then the girl said "Oh well out front told me to come here, but let me go double check.”  I think the lady was just giving her a hard time which I didn't like.  Then the girl came back and whispered "No it's here they said.”  Then a young black women said "You need an id.”  And apparently she didn't have one, so she started going around the waiting room asking different people if they had an id.  Two people said no then she got to me.  Now I pride myself on not being an ass-hole.  I don't like people who judge others,  and I always stand-up for the underdog.   

"What’s the syringe for?" I asked "It’s for diabetes" she replied.  I would rather her use clean needles instead of spreading HIV and other blood diseases around.  But then I got an image of her slumped in some dirty half way house eyes wide, mouth open, with a syringe hanging out of her arm and I'm the syringe bearer?  So I said "No sorry I don't want to be involved with giving out a syringe.”  Then she said "They don't take down your license information."  But I was already spooked her ghost was standing right in front of me, yet somehow I still felt like an ass-hole.  Why does doing what you think is the right thing sometimes feel so wrong?   Anyway she found someone else another addict who had an id to get the needle for her.  After she walked off I looked at some guy who was standing against the wall and shook my head thinking what the fuck the poor girl needs help and he said “She didn't look like any diabetic I've ever seen, she looked like a little crack whore.” See there they go again people judging others.  I have been known in the past to be pretty blunt when it’s something I believe in but now I pick and choose my battles.  I have done my fair share of drugs and I have quite an array of juicy stories but luckily for me I never fell into the abyss.   

I hope that girl finds her way, and stops ruining her life and her face.  It’s really sad, drug addicts are so desperate they cling to life like they are hanging on the side of a cliff by their fingertips wanting, longing, for their next hit, selling their souls, giving over their temple to the dark demons that reek havoc in their head.  You try to reach them but it’s like they are being pulled under by some unseen force.  In a big dark whirlpool they keep circling and every time you get a hand on them they slip through your fingers again and all you can do is watch them slowly drown.  The sad part is they are usually talented intelligent people even more so than the posers who only think they have their shit together.  The start off self-medicating to  forget the pain, and it feels good to get high, but then it slowly strangles you with its long wretched fingers.  As time goes on they are so numb they don't even remember what its like to be human.  Life is always just a puff or hit away from being someone else’s memory and those that loved them are part of a distant life they no longer recognize.

Mango and Palm Trees.....Who cares?

Its seems sometimes well more often than not whenever anyone talks about Brazil or moving to Brazil they always mention the cost of produce, and the weather.  I see a lot of photographs of scenery, and people tell you how great freshly squeezed juice is.   Then I sit back and scratch my head.  THAT'S IT?  That's all it takes to get you move thousands of miles with your family in tow- pineapple JUICE?  Don't get me wrong I like the idea of nice weather and fresh fruit but for me that's a good vacation in the Mexico, that's not going to cause me to pack up and move.  There are way more pressing issues at hand when deciding if you should call a place home. 

Right now Norway has one of the highest standards of living in the world if not number one, and they get freezing dark winters, however that would not stop me from moving there if I could because they have a great quality of life and arguably the best social services in the world.   And those are the issues I'm more interested in (the tough issues), issues that effect my families daily life like public safety, roads, health care, social services, education, and government.  I don't know about you but last time I checked good mango juice is not a hallmark for great quality of life.  They might have great fruit in Haiti but I would never move there.  So the posts are colorful and juicy but if the real issues that affect people's lives in a dramatic way are not discussed with honesty than its all kind of pointless fluff.  

We have come a long way baby.............not long enough

"The fact is that women have been trapped. Reproduction is used, consciously or not, as a means to control women, to limit their options and to make them subordinate to men. In many societies a serious approach to reproductive health has to have this perspective in mind. We must seek to liberate women."

                                                                                                                    
                                                                                                                                                 Dr. Nafia Sadik
                                                                                                               Executive Director, UN Poplation Fund

It was not too long ago when a woman could not open a bank account or by land without her husbands’ permission.  And it wasn't too long ago when innocent women were being burned for being different for being independent for doing anything that did not conform to societal norms  For being different they were branded witches and pushed to the fringes of society mostly by other women who dictated to their husbands that these women deserved to be punished.  This was how the Salem witch trials started.  Right now there is a modern day witch hunt going on the United States.   Since the start of the 2012 bid for Presidency has started women have been attacked.  Issues that should be private and sacred are being used by public figures to create a divide a war and to get votes.  Why is it always women who are scapegoated?   The base of power in this country needs to be shifted.  They never put a male issue in the forefront.  Never throw down the fact that men get women pregnant then leave and don't support them or the baby.  Never talk about the fact that men control their own reproductivity by getting vasectomies or using Viagra.   The issue turns women against women because that's how we have been shaped by our culture.   Some of the most degrading comments I've heard attacking women and their choices are from women.  And the media fuels it on.  Its disgusting.  To those women I say shame on you, your subservient traitors to your own gender.  We need to stick together look at the issues and try to protect each other and other women.  Women who are less fortunate.    As women we should understand each other’s needs and help one another.   Just like men do.

One of my hot button issues is reproductive rights.  I want to see reproductive rights for all women across the globe.   I have researched countless issues on the topic, from women taking unregulated dangerous medications to terminate a pregnancy only to have deformed infants. To women who get life threatening fistulas  Who suffers from a country who turns their back on reproductive rights?  Women and babies.  Some of the most heartbreaking stories I have heard are women who don't have any choice whether they get pregnant or not, and don't have access to adequate health care of no health care.   But right here in one of the most technological advanced and progressive countries the United States our reproductive rights are being threatened. The fact is abortion and access to reproductive care is not only about the baby but about the living breathing women who have to carry them and support them when they arrive.   Real women all over the globe are suffering right now.  We have to protect them first.

Here is a list of complications that can arise from a woman carrying a baby.

Bacterial Vaginosis

Bleeding During Pregnancy

Blighted Ovum

Cervical Cerclage

Chicken Pox

Cholestasis of Pregnancy

Common Pregnancy Complications

Concerns regarding Early Fetal Development

Cytomegalovirus (CMV) Infection

D&C procedure after a Miscarriage

Ectopic Pregnancy

Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD); Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) & Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE)

Fetal Growth Restriction

Gestational Diabetes

Gestational Hypertension

Group B Strep Infection

HELLP Syndrome

High Amniotic Fluid Levels : Polyhydramnios

Hyperemesis Gravidarum

Incompetent Cervix

Intrauterine Growth Restriction (IUGR): Small for Gestational Age (SGA)

Listeria

Low Amniotic Fluid Levels : Oligohydramnios

Miscarriage

Molar Pregnancy

Placenta Accreta

Placenta Previa

Placental Abruption

Preeclampsia

RH Factor

STD'S & STI'S During Pregnancy

Tipped Uterus

Toxoplasmosis

Urinary Tract Infection

Vanishing Twin Syndrome

Yeast Infection

No one should force a woman to have a baby.  And frankly I don’t have to believe what you believe; maybe I'm an atheist so why should I live my life according to what your religion proselytizes?  When I hear pro-life proponents talk about killing babies it’s not that I don’t understand their position, I do.  I can sympathize and hear their arguments.  However the need to protect women that are already here for me is more important.  Pregnancy can be debilitating for some women.  It can ruin their ability to earn a living, it can ruin their health, and it can ruin their social standing. 

Society judge’s women when they are not married, they judge women when they get pregnant out of wedlock.  Somehow a woman is worth less when she doesn't have a husband.   People that feel this way are the same people who preach about protecting the babies, but they show no compassion for the individual women who have to carry and take care of the baby, the mother.  Why does your compassion stop at the baby?  You hear things like "no one told her to lay on her back", or "I don't want my tax dollars going to pay for women having babies."  But you want them to have the baby?   That is why a lot of us say you are “anti-woman” when you are pro-life because the issue runs way deeper than simply "pro-life" or "pro-choice".  Society needs to stop looking at women as second class citizens and start treating them as an integral important part of society by giving them all the support they need.  It takes a village to raise a baby after all.  

That is exactly what Mitt Romney is trying to do; he talks about, getting rid of welfare, reversing Obama’s health care law, getting rid of social programs, getting rid of access to contraception through insurance.  But then at the same time he says he is against abortion?    How can these two beliefs co-exist?  Don’t women need to be healthy happy and supported by society in order to raise a baby?   That includes laws that support a woman having a baby by providing an adequate maternity of more than 12 weeks.  Laws that protect women in the workplace form getting fired for having to stay home with their sick babies and children.  Laws that make good child care affordable so women can return to the workforce feeling secure their baby is well taken care of.  Social programs and welfare that help a woman in need.    We are no where near where we need to be.  So excuse me if I think Mitt Romney is full of shit.

Here are a couple of highlights of how degrading this issue has become for women.

Here is a statement from Foster Friess a man who was funding Santorum’s 2012 bid for Presidency-

“Back in my day, they used Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly."

The week of February 16, 2012 Virginia passed a bill that would require women to have an ultrasound before they may have an abortion.  Because the majority of abortions occur during the first 12 weeks that means most women will be forced to have a transvaginal procedure which is basically a cold plastic probe into their vagina and moved around until an ultrasound image is produced.  

Have you seen a vaginal probe? It’s a long plastic hand held device same as the regular ultra sound device except this one resembles a dick.  Which would only be compounded if its a male ultrasound technician using the probe. Basically you lay on a table with your legs spread while a technician violates you because your being forced to submit to an ultrasound you don't want.  

How far will they go to garner votes?  What a violation of a woman and her body.  Basically you’re raping a woman, at a time when she is most vulnerable.  It’s disgusting that people in today’s society want to shame women.  It’s never easy to get an abortion.  I can't imagine a larger violation than sticking a vaginal probe into a woman and trying to make her feel guilty.  A the while society stands by and allows the violation.   We talk about the middle east but it seems we are not much better than our muslim counter parts who blame women for arousing a man's animal instinct by having the body they do.  Though this is no choice of their own its evolution they force women to wear oppressive burka's because its the women's fault if a man can't control himself.   They also blame women for getting raped.  Blame women for not making their husbands happy.  Blame women for causing the end of their marriage.   Stone women to death for shaming their family.    Meanwhile the men breeze through life treating women like cattle.

I am against violating women’s reproductive rights.   I'm against men in politics deciding what a woman should do with her body.    I'm against countries where abortion is illegal.  I'm against countries that do not provide adequate pre-natal and post-natal care for all women regardless of their economic situation.  I'm against any country that violates women’s rights and looks down on women as second class citizens.  Anyone who votes for Romney is anti-woman; there is no other way to look at it.          

FYI, Virginia's ultrasound law passed minus the vaginal probe.  

21 Things that turn me off-------Part 1

1.  People who ask "how are you" and then when you start to tell them their eyes glaze over!---

2.  People who ask "how are you?" like it’s the only phrase on the planet.

3.  People who have one set of rules for themselves and another set for other people.

4.  People who think they are better than someone simply because they have more money.

5.  People who site personal experiences as fact, something that only real scientific data/statistics can do.

6.  People who are arrogant.

7.  People who are in denial.

8.  People who are always talking about themselves.

9.  People who never shut up...

10. People who can't stop picking up their cell phones to check messages and texts.

11. People who drive to the gym to work out but must find a parking spot right in front, so they don’t have to walk across the parking lot (hmm… perplexing)!

12.  People who believe an Iphone is a status symbol.

13.  People who assume someone is dumb because they are poor.

14.  People who always think they are right.

15.  People who can't empathize with others.

16.  People who say "Why don't they just get a job like I did, why should my taxes go to help them."

17.  People who say "I'm not giving money to that homeless person they will just buy liquor with it."

18.  People who are heartless.

19.  People who believe their personal experiences can be applied to someone else’s life because they don’t understand the concept of  “variable’s."

20.  People who smoke around babies.

21.  Redundancy --- I need help with that one :)

TOO BE CONTINUED..............................

to me---people who write blog posts when they could be writing their fist novel  (hmmm... perplexing) :)

Song of the day for dreaming

Did you ever wish you were someone else?  Picture your life in the greatest fantasy fulfilled?  Whatever it was that took you to the moon or over a rainbow.

This song reminds me of that dreaming.  Everyone likes a Sunday morning.  One fantasy I have is that I own  a rent controlled apartment in Greenwich village, New York.  Sunday morning I wake up as the sun blazes in through the tall floor to ceiling windows the light splashes across the wood floors.  I sit down to write a few more paragraphs in my burgeoning novel, while my shiny  expresso machine grinds and foams a large head on a 2 shot cappaccino.  Then I scurry across the floor barefoot and  put this cd on letting the music fill my apartment and my head as I get a self fulfilling buzz courtesy of South Africa.  I then head out into the most beautiful day I ever seen, the sky couldn't get any bluer or the clouds any fluffier, making me believe that their may be a god after all,  and down to the local bakery.  To pick up some delicious French pastries you know the kind, flaky, moist, filled with some exotic jelly or cream cheese whatever your preference.   I buy some triple cream French cheese :) and a large baguette right out of the oven for a late lunch.  Back down the street passing lovers laughing and people walking their dogs.  Passing vendors selling their rainbow colored impressionist paintings of the city in their own personal fantasy.  As I pass we smile at each other happy that it's Sunday morning!

Sunday morning rain is falling 
Steal some covers share some skin 
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable 
You twist to fit the mold that I am in 
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do 
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew 
That someday it would lead me back to you 
That someday it would lead me back to you 

(Chorus) 
That may be all I need 
In darkness she is all I see 
Come and rest your bones with me 
Driving slow on sunday morning 
And I never want to leave 
 ]
(Verse 2) 
Fingers trace your every outline 
Paint a picture with my hands 
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm 
Change the weather still together when it ends 

(Chorus) 
That may be all I need 
In darkness she is all I see 
Come and rest your bones with me 
Driving slow on sunday morning 
And I never want to leave 

(Bridge) 
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do 
Sunday morning rain is falling and I'm calling out to you 
Singing sunday it'll bring me back to you 
Find a way to bring myself back home to you 

And you may not know 

(Chorus) 
(Chorus) 
That may be all I need 
In darkness she is all I see 
Come and rest your bones with me 
Driving slow on Sunday morning and I sometimes want to leave. 

Yeah, yeah,... flower in your hair... 


Till copyright comes to get me

Prevalence of Hep A in Brazil

English: Geographic distribution of Hepatitis A prevalence (Anti-HAV-Antibody), 2005

   High : prevalence higher than 8%

   Intermediate : between 2% and 7%

   Low : less than 2%

Deutsch: Weltweite Prävalenz der Hepatitis A (anhand der Anti-HAV-Antikörper), 2005

   Hoch : Prävalenz höher als 8%

   Mittel : zwischen 2% und 7%

   Niedrig : weniger als 2%

Français : Répartition géographique de l'hépatite A, 2005

   Haute : prévalence supérieure à 8%

   Moyenne : entre 2% et 7%

   Basse : inférieure à 2%

This is a map of the prevalence of Hepatitis A in the world.  The highest rates are in maroon.

As you can see Hepatitis A has mostly been eradicated in all 1st world countries, they are colored grey.

Hepatitis A is an acute infectious disease of the liver that is usually spread by the fecal oral route; transmitted person to person by ingestion of contaminated food or water or through direct contact with a person infected.   (Restaurant workers that do not wash their hands well after going to the bathroom).

In a lot of developing countries with poor sanitation its most prevalent-  i.e poo bins

Makes you wonder why Brazil still does not have adequate plumbing in public restrooms to ensure peoples disgusting bodily fluids and fecal matter get flushed down the toilet.  They have trash receptacles that you put your soiled tissue into.  You could call them shit bins.  I wonder which parts of the country are still doing this so I can up my daily dose of xanax medication when I get there.   I know Rio does.  So hypothetically if you go to the bathroom then wipe yourself (especially if you have been drinking) and drop a tissue in the bin and your hand accidentally scrapes up against another person's toilet tissue that has contaminated fecal matter on it?  And lets assume that you are smart enough to REALLY REALLY wash your hands.  Not just wet and go.  I  mean a good down-home LATHER, I mean get the clorox bleach out.  And lets assume that it (the shit) may not all get washed off or that you missed a spot its not an exact science after all.  Then if you eat afterward or somehow your hand comes in contact with your mouth you could possibly get Hep A.  And lets face it some people don't even wash their hands.  Come to think of it this would be a good anti drinking and anti restaurant ad.  The "NO drinking" for the part where your out having a few drinks and you catch a nice buzz and all your worries are drifting away with the nice cool Brazilian breeze and your swaying side to side as your making your way to the next  bar when you realize shit! I need to take a p*ss and you make your way to one of the many public bathrooms in Brazil.  You can hardly see straight and the toilet looks like its moving in front of you, but somehow your not going to touch the huge pile of white fluffy tissue that is teetering on a mound of more white tissue all covered in someone's SHIT............ well you get my drift.   I mean looking at that map and the numbers what do you think the percentages are for restaurant workers who make and deliver your food having Hep A?  Pretty good right?   So to be safe you should probably assume everyone has it.  That's not too relaxing when your out spending you hard earned money on some Brazilian shindig  at your local restaurant.  Soon you'll be missing "The Outback" back in the States and biting your tongue.   Also think about young children who don't yet understand good hygiene habits.  I would not let them go the bathroom anywhere public where this goes on.  I'll let you imagination run wild from here if your not ready to hurl your lunch in a the nearest toilet.


Vigilance is key here!

Side note --These stats are from 2005 and there are some regions of Brazil where the rate will be higher and some regions where the rate will be lower.  And obviously not everyone has Hepatitis A.

Exploiting only the GOOD LIFE

There are a decent number of expat blogs on Brazil although I have yet to find any from the South of Brazil specifically Parana, Santa Caterina, and Rio Grande De Sul.  I think it’s because there is less migration from the South of Brazil to the US so less marriages and moving.  My husband believes this is because the South of Brazil has a better standard of living so most people don't feel the need to escape their situation.  Finding these other blogs was great for someone like me who really needed to understand what I was getting myself into.  I remember when I find out I was moving there I was so happy to find these few blogs.  They have helped me so much.  I like hearing about people's experiences in life. BUT with some of the blogs when you find out their back story you feel kind of gypped.   In my opinion their experiences are not 100% authentic.

What I mean is this special set of expat bloggers are only staying in Brazil for a short period of time.   Its starts out with these expats living a comfortable 1st world life in the US that they never intend on downgrading.  Usually the husbands company has an international division that decides they need someone in Brazil to expand the business.  The company offers what is basically and all-expense paid extended vacation to the family.  The company pays for everything and helps with the relocation.  It’s always a major city such as Rio De Janeiro or Sao Paulo.  They pay for the shipping of their household goods, pay for their insurance (the good insurance) and its private so they can go to the best expat hospitals; the company gives them an allowance per month for housing, sometimes they get a company car, and other miscellaneous allowances.  They get all the benefits of their US company helping to guide them through this maze of foreign exchanges.   Then upon arrival they (usually the wife) set up a blog and talk about the trials and tribulations of living abroad.  They act as if they are living in the real Brazil.    When I find out their backstory I always feel disappointed.  I feel gypped.  How can you really be experiencing what it’s like to live in Brazil if you are on basically what I perceive to be an extended vacation?   These job assignments are almost always a couple of years so they know when they are leaving before they touch down on the tarmac.   To me that’s a wee bit of cheating, you’re not dealing with the reality I live in Brazil.  Its a company sponsored field trip.  You get to experience the best that Brazil has to offer.

Brazil is not going to become your reality and if you asked most of them they don't want Brazil to be their reality.   Isn't that an easier way of handling cultural and economic differences? How would these attitudes change if the person had to live there permanently or indefinitely?   In other words your not their for research, not there to pump up there resume's with glamorous foreign language and job experience, not there for backpacking and photography, not there for school, but really there to live.  Because maybe you’re married to a Brazilian man/woman who can't stay in the US or your husband/wife really wants to move home.  When you marry a foreigner you're marrying their country too, something I didn't realize at at the time.  

On the flip side most Brazilians who get a visa to the US have to prove they have assets. The American consulate is not a benevolent master.  You have to qualify for their lifestyle standards such as a good job in Brazil, a business, and a nice home something that will bring them back.  That knocks out about 80% of the population.  Ask any Brazilian of modest means visas to the US are hard to get.  Americans don't realize how easy life is for them.  Americans can basically go anywhere on the globe they want.  Poor in Brazil means something totally different than poor in America.  A lot of Brazilians live a really tough life.  I know all this first hand because I have met the poor Brazilians from areas such as Mines Gerais, Sao Paulo, Rio, and Amazonas.  A lot of them don't want to go back.  There are simply no opportunities for decent employment.  Most of them didn't even have cars before coming to the US, let alone laptops or IPhones.

I'm not trying to offend anyone I am just simply saying that I think when it comes to real life.  You have to really live it to give good advice.  I mean you can tell me how long the lines are and what it’s like at the grocery store, how the food is.  But you’re probably going to be more positive about the experience because it’s an adventure for you an exciting exotic long vacation.  

Like my Brazilian husband says "my people go to your country to wash toilets, wash dishes, pick fruit, and do hard labor; Your people come to my country to do the coveted jobs, or set up businesses exploiting the "best of my country."    "These are things most Brazilians don't get to experience Americans are spoiled you have the best of both worlds, and sometimes it pisses me off."

And to this I say isn't that in typical colonial fashion?

Sleep deprivation as sighted on the Internet. Is the condition of not having enough sleep, it can either be chronic (as in my case) or acute.  It adversely affects the brain and cognitive function (great)  complete absence of sleep over long periods is impossible for humans to achieve (unless they suffer from fatal familial insomnia); brief micro sleeps cannot be avoided.  Long term sleep deprivation has caused death in lab animals.   LOL!

I am a big sleeper.   Love sleep, love bed.  Pretty much my whole life I have slept over 8.  Always wanting to stay in bed feeling comfortable.  When I was a teenager sometimes I slept till 2 in the afternoon.  I could hear my stepmother down in the kitchen bitching to my father how all I do is sleep (bitch).  I am not a morning person.  I hate morning especially cold wintery mornings before school.  I could sleep easy till 10.00 am.  I could also sleep for over 10 hours easy, I can also and did frequently before the baby came take long Saturday and Sunday after noon naps.   Oh just thinking about a nice rainy Sunday afternoon curling up with a book and a good movie in that nice 700 thread count Hungarian goose down comforter.

"Oh heaven I'm in heaven, And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak and I seem to find the happiness I seek. when I am all comfy and cozy in bed asleep" (thanks Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers)!

No seriously I am getting off track so as you can see I am not a good candidate for sleep deprivation.

My daughter takes not sleeping to another level.  Most nights lately I will put her down and she will sleep for 1 hour and wake up.   Then I MUST nurse her too sleep.  Then down again and wakey!~ wakey! Then down again sometimes 1.5 hours later and sometimes 2 hours later then sometimes 3 hours later she wakes.  It starts as a little whine and pop my eyes open.  I sleep very lite these days.  Its like a roller coaster ride.   What? Its seem I was just up 5 minutes before I thin to myself as I am getting situated to breast feed yet again.  Its brutal.  During the day pretty much the same thing.  Nothing has got better, its gotten worse.  I scream out "I need sleep this is killing me I have not slept literally in 6 months"!!!!  My eyes are burning, my eyelids are like heavy weights trying to force their way down and the constant headaches the cloudy feeling I walk around with all day.

Sometimes I will reminisce about the time she blissfully slept for 12 hours only waking once.  Then I remember the few nights she slept 6 hours straight and I mistakenly thought finally she is going to sleep through the night only be disappointed when the next night she was up again.

So in the beginning when you bring your lovely angel home from the hospital they tell you to wake the baby up to feed.   They tell you to pick the baby up at every cry.  They tell you to love the baby and hold the baby.  This all makes sense of course.  But are we crating habits that can't be broken and what is the alternative?  I would never not go to my daughters cry.  I have heard of some babies sleeping straight through the night.  Like my sisters childhood friend who is bragging about it right now.  She is not waking her baby up maybe that is better.

Everyone told me when the digestive system matures and when she's around 6 mos she should be sleeping through the night.  Sleeping about 14 hours a day.  Well my daughter it seems does not need sleep.  And its killing me. I have reached my precipice and have officially gone over.  I am sure I have changed my brain function and my brain chemistry.  Heck I may not even be the same person I was 6 months ago.

My pediatrician told me last visit to start a sleep routine when I told her my daughters sleep habits.  She started going on about sleep cycles and then I woke up.  No seriously the Doctor said  I need to let her know its the big sleep.  "Do it now she said when she is 9 months it will be that much harder to train her."  "At 6 months they are still pliable."  So what does the training entail?  When all else fails "cry it out."  Basically get the baby ready for bed put her in the bed then walk out and let her cry or scream or screech till she falls asleep.  Have you tried it?  Its barbaric.  Even if she won't remember will it change her?  Their are proponents for and against the "cry it out" method and I have read both.

My cousin's children didn't cry it out because one daughter was too stubborn and the other one would vomit when left to cry.  So she didn't do it and her kids seem fine.  Its nice to find others that are in the same boat.  My sister let her son "cry it out" and it took 3 nights the fist night her son cried for 1.5 HOURS YIKES.  The second night 45 minutes and down from there.  She said it was hard to not go in a pick him up every ten minutes the first night but they stuck it out and voila sleep trained.  I don't know about you but letting my daughter cry for an 1.5 hours. After all I spent the first 6 months creating a bond of trust, now they want me to break it by confusing and terrifying my daughter letting her cry for over an hour?   I mean I set the precedence now I am going to pull the rug out from under her.  It doesn't seem natural something seems wrong.   Plus my daughter gets scared when I have tried for a few minutes sometimes she gets so scared she thinks I am never coming back.  So what did my pediatrician say to that?  Go in and pat her on the back but don't pick her up.   Guess what?  My daughter gets more hysterical when I do that.

So here I am on top the cold mountain alone.  Compounded by the fact that I breastfeed which means my husband can't feed in the middle of the night and relive me anyway.   And since my  husband is working right now I let him sleep in the other room so he can get some sleep.  Its ruff.  But what am I to do what is the alternative?

Just wait it out I guess if I refuse to use the "cry it out" method and what if it didn't work on her anyway.  Then I have to deal.  Hopefully she will grow/mature her way out of it.  In the mean time I have read that sometimes a baby that doesn't like or want to sleep is gifted.   They are too curious, learning and experiencing life to sleep.  So their maybe a plus side to all this.  That will be another hurdle having a baby smarter than me (wink, wink)  :)  Be careful what you wish for.

UPDATE***
                   My daughter who is 15 mos no longer sleeps in her crib she co-sleeps with us.  Which is a whole other topic and new set of problems.

Nostagia my childhood vs his part one

The first movie my father took me to see was the original Walt Disney's Snow White & the Seven Drawfs. It was a special bonding moment . A father holding his daughters hand and a huge container of overpriced popcorn with butter on top. I was about 7 years old. After the movie I promptly became obsessed with Snow White as all girls should. I always liked Snow White better than Cinderella. The next movie that stood out in my mind that he took me to was Star Wars 1977 their were people standing in the isles to watch this movie. The last real father daughter moment I remember having with my father that might have meant something to him was Flashdance 1983. Now if I tell you how old I was I would have to kill you (smile). Lets put is this way I'm from Generation X. And it was cool to be that then. Movies have always been a huge part of the American culural experience for me.

I came from a classic 70's upbringing, my parents were married young my mother was 19 my father 21. They bought my fathers parents house a cute old style New England home with no heat on the second floor. It a back and front porch with a glittering wind-chime that made beautiful ethereal sounds when the summer breeze came through the house, we kept our doors open all summer. On cold mornings when I would get up for school I would run downstairs out of breathe and plop my but down on a old square brown heating vent and let the heat blow up my dress. It was heaven I loved being alone on those mornings before everyone woke up. Then they divorced when I was 10 like everyone was doing in the 70's. That was hard. But life for me as a kid in America was easy especially up until that point. My father had a good job. I had all the cool toys. I had my own metallic green swing set in the back and a huge grass covered yard to do cartwheels on. I took figure skating. ballet, jazz, and tap lessons. I went private school.

Flash-forward to now, I miss the lilacs, I miss my grandfather, I miss the way the music from the ice cream truck floated over the summer breeze in the distance, I miss riding my banana seat bike. Thinking about it now gives me butterflies. After my parents got divorced things changed, I changed. I missed my father desperately. 

My husband on the other hand at some points in his childhood had no electricity, and sometimes no shoes. He had no toys, no bike, and no Christmas trees. You remember every Christmas going on the hunt for the perfect tree? Decorating it was a family affair. When we were done decorating my father would lift me up high so that I could put his favourite angel on top. My husband didn't have green and red sparkling presents that Santa delivered Christmas Eve. He didn't go sledding on snow days. He didn't have any amazing Christmas sweets and treats. Or the big Christmas dinner listening to Nat King Cole. He never saw any blockbuster hollywood movies. Or had a pair of nikes. Or had an Atari, or played on a swing-set, or went down a water slide. He never went to amusement parks and had pink cotton candy or heard all the people scream on the rides. He never laid on his back and watched fireworks on a large blanket and just dreamed. He never had his days free. Or went out to buy new school clothes and supplies with his mother before the new school year started in September. Or smelled fall as he carried his book-bag to school. Or ran out to the yard at recess. It was different. He never had the freedom to just be a kid. Because his life was tough he had to work and his family didn't have anything. What I had was a MAGIC compared to what he had.

We had polar opposite childhoods and lives in general. I mean its the haves vs. the have nots. And its hard when those differences surface to try and understand where he is coming from. The differences in our backgrounds the differences in standards of living between our countries creates a lot of turmoil. Each of our experiences shaped who we are and what we expect out of life. Its hard to see eye to eye. In the beginning of our relationship I thought these differences are cool, I like that its not a stereotypical relationship. But its proving to be a challenge as time goes on and real life sets in especially when it comes to raising our daughter and what I imagine for her vs what he imagines.